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Alternative Love Stories

Young Gay Guys - You Are Not Alone

by Jesse, Australia


I'm writing this story partly for young gay guys - you are NOT alone. Being old and wise (as I am at 21, lol) I can tell you that you are never alone, its just a matter of finding yourself, and then finding others like you. There are just so many people on this earth that you couldn't possibly be unique. And partly for families. I still haven't told my family or friends. I'm still working it out in my head. Writing this is a part of my preparation in a way. I hope you will empathize with me and with your son/daughter/brother/sister/whatever. I hope you will see that no one would choose this life of agony and guilt. I am just a normal guy. I'm passionate and loving, I'm funny and I love to laugh. I'm just like you. We are just like you. I've always known I was different. So different and so alone. Now, at 21, I know I'm not that different really. My story is a lot like many others' stories. I never liked sports. I was always described as a "girly boy". My own mother once said to a friend "He's more of a girl than his sister" (she didn't know I was listening, and I doubt she'd remember it if I asked her about it now. She would probably even deny it). I don't remember much about what I felt in early high school, but I remember that I was always teased about being gay.
I always denied it. I believe that I was being truthful, not in denial,
because I didn't identify as such and therefore I wasn't gay. I wasn't really anything. I knew I wasn't "normal" but I didn't take the mental leap to being "gay" either. It wasn't an issue. I didn't have any boyfriends (or girlfriends for that matter), so it didn't really matter what I was. I was me.

When I was 16 I had a huge crush on my best friend. I had a lot of other problems at the time. Major depression, and illness.
I even attempted suicide. I couldn't tell my parents. I was so ashamed. So I confided it all in him. He couldn't handle the burden of supporting a friend in such an emotional mess, and cut me out of his life. It hurt so much. But looking back I don't blame him. Although it still hurts to think about that period, I wish him no ill. I will always care for him, even if it is very deep down.

At this stage, I was aware that I liked guys. A lot. I would fantasize
about them. But I still didn't consider myself gay. It was a dirty word
to me. A sinful word. But life carried on. I was wracked with guilt
every time a good looking guy came into my field of vision I would
instantly think "he's hot!!" then realize what I was thinking and try to erase the thought. I would pray to be "normal" but I never once used the "g-word" in my prayers. I would stop short and end up saying "I pray that I would be normal. I don't want to be... you know."

Between the ages of 18 to 20 I think deep down I knew I was "probably gay" but never had the guts to admit it. Everytime a gay storyline came on TV I was incredibly uncomfortable. I would stare at my knees trying to look nonchalant. I wonder if it worked? I don't know. A few months after I turned 21 I took the leap and said, in my head, to myself "I'm gay." Writing that down now sent a shiver down my spine. I honestly don't remember that moment well. But it was important. I'd finally admitted to myself what I'd known for the longest time.

My family and friends still don't know. In my heart of hearts I think
that some must have suspicions. In a way I hope they do. It will make the task of coming out to them easier. I've been thinking about it so much lately. I can pretty much categorize my family and friends into 4 groups: 1) Those who will need very little time to come to terms with it, because they are already fairly ok with the idea of homosexuality, it is just a matter of coming to terms with ME being gay. If they already suspected I was gay, they will be even quicker. 2) Those who will need more time, maybe months, maybe years, but who will eventually come to terms with it. They won't have thought much about homosexuality in any great detail because it doesn't affect them. Once they get over that hurdle, they will be ok with my homosexuality. 3) Those who will not accept it. They won't be able to come to terms with my homosexuality. BUT (and this is important) they love me so much that although they either can't accept or disprove of my homosexuality, they will continue to love and support me. 4) Those who will not accept it, won't want to, and will probably not speak to me much anymore.

Whichever group someone falls into, I really don't mind. That's you. You are you and I am me. For either to pretend would be unfair on us both. I hope this has been of some help to someone. Stay true to yourself and your loved ones, whether you (or they) are gay, straight, bisexual, trans, martians, venusians, you get the idea.

 

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